SCENE ONE: From Geeky Tomboy to a Nun
Imagine skinny little baby. Thin sagging skin covering her sharp bones like a sheet on a skeleton. Yup. That was me. Weird and not cute at all, boyish-looking girl. The kind only mamma could love. And she did. And what about father? Ah, that’s another story. It’s enough to say that his actions contributed to you reading this. If he wouldn’t “love” me the way he did(n’t), I wouldn’t be on a quest to open my heart and learn to love men.
Oh yes, and boys at school bullied me, I had no friends, I spent my days reading instead of playing with kids, was fascinating with sweeping backyard concrete, and I didn’t fit in – I concluded that I am simply not lovable.
You know how that feels? Stick with me….
Instead of going out and exploring magical world of teen romance, I stayed at home, reading, writing, being my introverted self…. But I was in love. – with MC Hammer! Can’t touch this oo-ooh! Break it down!
It was safer to have imaginary romance, than to be present in my awkward shame, knowing that everyone thinks I’m ugly. This is what often happens to little girls who feel unloved by their father. He doesn’t love me. Nobody loves me. Simple math.
SCENE ONE AND A HALF: Sick of this world – off to a holly one
At age 14-ish, I was clearly an empath. I felt certain big misfortune coming our way. Not just to me, but to all of us, to my family AND the entire country. I could smell the death in the air. So, it was natural to focus on praying for peace and harmony.
A year or so later, the war started. My gut feeling was right.
Croatian independence war was taking over villages, towns, lives. My 19 y/o brother was on the front line. My Grandma’s house was bombed. And my best friend died.
All I wanted was peace. Pretty please….and a first kiss, for heaven’s sake, can’t I just have that first kiss???
SCENE ONE AND 3/4 – Changing the world – one vow at the time
“if your faith is the size of the mustard seed, you can move the mountains.” Heck! My faith is the size of TWO mustard seeds, I can stop the war!”, said the 15y/o me.
But I couldn’t.
It must be because I am a sinful girl – I slack on homework, I called my sister names and I lied to my mom about the chores….
The war-zone expanded, I was sent to a refugee camp. There were only women, children and elderly. Nobody to fall in love with? Oh bummer!
So I ran away from there – and became a nun. To finally clear my heart of all the sins and stop the damn war! After all, no boys will ever like me anyway!
I had given a vow of celibacy, simplicity & poverty. For 6 years, I lived a humble, simple, missionary life, and learned how to stop the war that was going on inside of my head. That is a delightful, rich and substantial experience. And yes, it takes A LOT to create peace within… its a full time job.
But it was a “fuller” time job to keep the mind in chastity – for we were not allowed to look at men, talk to them and God forbid, to think of them!
When I turned 21, and still wanted to experience a kiss, I was not feeling authentically real with my vows and my hormones. So I left. Back home to my mom. To a world where people hold hands, express PDA, go for dates and even have sex! Oh my! that was exciting and scary at the same time.
Scene TWO – 21 going on 12
I had no clue what to do! Physically I was 21, but mentally, I was still 15. Completely awkward, untrained, inexperienced, confused with and scared of – men.
You know that feeling when you are ready to learn something and the teacher appears? I was ready to learn about these fascinating creatures. Every book on topic was welcomed. I kept reading, learning, observing and asking people… oops! That was a big mistake! Listening to unhappy women’s love advice took all my learning few steps back and added more confusion.
During my Spiritual Quest, I learned that everyone matters. The soul of a King, and a soul of a little insect are of the same value and quality. Respect for all humanity is what the teachings were based upon. We are all brothers and sisters.
Therefore, I refused to learn from people who spoke poorly of their spouses. It was the right thing to do for my heart.
No love or relationship can long endure unless it’s build upon the truth and justice. Therefore do not engage in conversation which doesn’t benefit all whom it affects.
Napoleon Hill continues to teach how to succeed financially – by eliminating hatred, envy, jealously, and cynicism, by developing love for all humanity, because negative attitude towards others can never bring us success.
It is the same with loving relationships. Negative attitude towards our parters can never bring us happy marriage. If you want to kill them, kill them with kindness 🙂
Armed with this desire and knowledge I made a wish and sent it out to the heart of my soulmate.
SCENE THREE – Spiritual Soulmate – Arranged???
Yes, that woo-woo stuff. I believed that everything has consciousness and I knew that “he” will feel me somewhere and show up.
Few months later, an “authority” called me on the phone and told me about a former priest, who also left, for the same reason… and arranged for us to meet.
52 days later, we got married. It was an arranged marriage. Spiritual, sweet, kind and beautiful. We kept following two of our three vows. Guess which?
We had most incredible simple life one can imagine. We were young, fun and dirt poor – didn’t even own a spoon. But we were rich in love and experiences. It was all about spirituality and natural lifestyle. We were in Honey Business, selling honey – door to door, every winter. During the summer we lived on a farm, herding sheep, picking up herbs and drying it into a tea. Selling it door to door. We had Eco-Organisation and lived to inspire people to love the Earth. We converted mini bus into a super hippie looking van and travelled the Europe. He was a street musician and I was a mime. Yup. Very nice duo.
Eventually, our path slowly parted. He wanted to deepen his spiritual experiences, and practically became a hermit in the mountains. I wanted to experience life as a woman. I wanted to learn how to do make up, how to wear high heels, how to accept by body and feel beautiful.
Although we divorced in a friendly way, full of understanding, pangs of separation from him were incredibly hard on me. Oxytocin bonding kept me in tears, feeling huge empty space in my heart. You know what I mean? Shame and feeling that nobody will ever love me again. Especially now, for I felt like used goods.
SCENE FOUR – Too much to handle
Most people can’t handle the truth of my love life. Sometimes, I don’t share it. But here I will. Ready? Fasten your seat belts.
My first husband knew that I will miss him so much and didn’t want me to suffer. So, he made sure I have a second husband. Yup. He found a man for me, in Hawaii. What? a handsome young surfer dude? He looked like a combo between Tom Cruise and young Mel Gibson. I was afraid of handsome men. Yup. That was my second husband. Great man, but our combo was like a salad made of strawberries and tomatoes, topped with mustard and whipped cream.
Plus. I was still bonded to my first husband. I wasn’t ready to remarry. And I didn’t know that.
We were married just a short time, and I experienced so much pain during these months. Relationships need 4 C’s to thrive:
- Chocolate (Fun stuff!)
We had none. It was such a difficult time, but it helped me see how important these 4 elements are. I have dedicated my work life to support couples. Thanks to that short marriage.
SCENE FOUR AND HALF – Start where you are!
At that point – I have been married for 9 years &I have been divorced…. Twice! – all before I ever went on a first date?
Now, that’s strange!
Dating begins: Book after book, article after article, one smile upon the other … led to a date or two…. Most of which I tanked big time – I would talk about my ex, addressing him as “my husband” and wonder why these men never called me back. Although I learned how to flirt, I was still prudish and shy – so I was just leading men on and teasing them… and blaming them for getting so frustrated with me.
I kept attracting fun, irresponsible, sweet men who have no purpose in life. Nice guys. Yawn…. they were so boooring. I call them “breakfast material”. A dude you don’t really dress up for or think of, just someone you can skip and never miss again.
There was a share of Bad guys – dishonest, unavailable, powerful players. They had something attractive about them, but they were not interested in being a team. I always had a feeling I was just another number in their phone. Or a woman they want to hang out with, but not build life with.
…To succeed in life (and love!!!), we need – knowledge, courage, guidance and Experience.
I wanted to experience quality men. And I wanted to experience myself as a quality woman. Secretly, I was hiding best of me, because that part felt “reserved” for my first husband and our sweetness. I didn’t want to give my heart and soul ever again.
You know that feeling when you know you are slacking and now showing up fully? Not loving deeply? Not being a lady of class, but a little whiny girl instead… That was THE reason my love life sucked!
I decided to take a higher road. Love was everything I lived for and I didn’t want to live in in such a mediocre way.
SCENE FIVE – Years of reading, studying and practicing brought some Delicious fruit!
It was time to be the change I wanted to see and experience.
Amongst many, many books – I read 4 Man Plan, simple dating book, and hired Cindy Lu, it’s author, for regular coaching sessions. I started treating men with more class, more respect, dignity and fun. I also found the work of Dr. Pat Allen, and joined her Institute. Took classes with Dr. John Gottman and workshops with Alison Armstrong.
I applied all the tools in my dating life. No more game playing and teasing. No seduction or intimidation. I started negotiating. Being an adult. Being a partner. Honest. Loving and Willing woman. Quality of men I was dating was increasing and I was enjoying dating process so much!
This was an incredible personal development journey! Making peace with men. Making peace with my inner self. I stopped the war in my mind. Again. I saw how I sabotaged my love life in the past and figured all the patterns to prevent that in future.
SCENE SIX – When knowledge meets maturity and desire, action is born
And I took the action. Applied all I was learning, even telling my dates that I am studying men, that I am learning about their greatness, that I am fascinated with their clarity, drive, morals and softness underneath that 6 pack.
I kept studying with worlds experts, kept reading, kept dating, kept observing, asking questions, learning how to signal, be approached, build up, cool it down, heat it up… how to BE in a relationship….
And then, amongst some very amusing men (politicians, business owners, directors, doctors, Inventors and world travelers)…. there was frustration. Nobody claimed me. Nobody stood up to say “Hey woman, I want exclusivity with you! How do you feel about us building something together?”
Instead of being sad about that, I started praying. Several times a day: “Divine Masculine energy, claim me!” I created special, very deep affirmation/meditation too.
Exactly 2 weeks into that process, HE called and invited me to Maui for a week. I said: “Oh sure, that sounds great. However, you know I am seeing different men, but I am not sleeping with anyone. So we will have to get two rooms.”
His response was bold, direct, clear and powerful: “Listen! As far as I am concern, you have been my girlfriend since we met. I have big lasting plans for us. You know me by now. Do you want to be MY girlfriend or what???”
THAT was the power I longed for. That was the approach that got me weak in my knees, and safe at the same time. I still get goose bumps just remembering his words.
And the best thing ever: This came from a man who I felt the most comfortable with. I felt so young and fresh, silly and alive. I always felt safe to be me with him (even meeting him with unwashed hair, no make up, in sneakers). In fact, he didn’t see me in heels for months. He never tried to impress me with fancy dinners. Instead, he planned adventures – horse back riding, air gliding, hiking, nature excursions, island hopping, star gazing, diving and volunteering. We had spiritual conversations, we danced on the streets, we helped strangers, we were angels to children without means and we were free.
We would make up for hours and hours, on ever bench in Ala Moana park, we would talk about ideas, spirituality and history. We would sing, make up songs, giggle and enjoy life. We had all 4 C’s.
and Chocolate…. he made sure I have endless supply
And although I loved who I was with him, I “locked” him into a “never him” position.
Why? Because his job was project based and he wasn’t guaranteed to stay in Hawaii longer than few years.
And thanks to dating coaching that I have been receiving, I realized that he is THE man. I would radder live in hell with him, then in Hawaii without him.
And that’s how our sweet love story begin.. .and it continues pretty much the same way. I post our conversations and interactions on FB regularly. For I believe that journey in love needs to be shared. Love grows when shared.
SCENE SEVEN – Your Love
Let’s share, expand, make and grow love – Come to me – I would love to uncover the gold in your heart. I call this Love Audit. It’s deep, sweet, intimate and fun process.
Click on the button bellow and see you soon!